Lauren (brokentrust22) wrote,
Lauren
brokentrust22

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i'm such a bitch. sorry.

I don't... even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. Because if I complain I'm just being a bitch. Because it could be so much worse. I've just been falling lately, and I feel like there is nothing there to catch me. I'm probably not even falling though. It's like one of those dreams where you feel like you're falling, and when you hit the ground you wake up. I just need to wake up I guess. It just... sucks.
I don't even want to be home anymore because all my mom does is throw shit around the kitchen and say how my dad "doesn't do a fucking thing around here" and the worst part is that is kind of true. I love my dad, but sometimes he acts like a child. He needs everyone else to take care of him, and honestly I don't mind taking care of him I guess, but my mom does and then she is put in a terrible mood, and when I offer to help her with something she tells me it's too late and is even more pissed off. And she's been so pissed about school lately... which is my fault because I did slack off a little but even with that I almost made high fucking honors so I don't see why she's yelling at me.
I hate when I have dance because it's the one day I can't see anyone, and right now all I want is to leave and see my friends.

I don't know what to do. I can't even right anymore because it's just... gone. Anything I used to do, I can't anymore. I spend an hour staring at my freaking computer, trying to put my emotions out on paper so I don't end up flipping out, but I just can't anymore. Anything I have written in the last two weeks has just been absolutly terrible. And I know that it's my writting, so it doens't matter if it's good or not, but it's the fact that I can't get it right on paper. The words just don't come out right, I don't know what to say... I mean, I had become so dependent on writing becuase it was just so perfect. It made me feel so much better, and when I walk into lab in a terrible mood, I can show Lex whatever I wrote the night before and she made me feel so much better.

I feel like everyone feels that they have to protect me. Like I'm this helpless animal that is always getting attacked because I'm so weak, and I need my friends to defend me. I used to think that was such bull, but I'm pretty sure it's true. I am some dumb, defenseless animal that needs protecting which is probably why I depend so much on my friends. Which was dumb, since I'm just going to lose the ones I love the most anyways... sooner or later they'll just get a little lightbulb over their heads and go "Sheesh, why was I friends with her? I'm such a dumbass!"

And I've been thinking lately. So much. And I've been wanting lately. So much. But that want is just one big set-up for... rejection. Again. So I should probably just be done. Or I 'should do something', but it comes so much eaiser for them because they are just so... beautiful. And I don't just mean on the outside. And I don't just mean one of them.

I'm pathetic, aren't I?

Time to dance.... I really need that.

It's funny how I have everything I want... but I still find stuff to bitch about. I'm so sorry.
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