|Friday, January 28th, 2005|
New LJ... drk_liquid_eyes.|
Add it, okay?
current mood: blank
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2005|
10:18 pm - I suck...
So. I mess up everything. It's the ONE constant in my life. I act like a bitch. I drive people away. I make them NOT want to be around me. I was fine. It was good. Then I got into a fight with my dad. He yelled at me. Worse, I yelled back. In case you don't know my dad and I very well, that has never in the history of my life happened. I stormed away from him. I left.|
First time in a while I hung around with the whole group. And I just felt like they didn't want me there. I feel like I'm just a big... annoyence. And the only reason they like me around is because then my i-pod can play in the car.
Cassie, I wanted to talk to you btw... really, I just wanted to tell you that I needed a hug. But you wouldn't even like, talk to me. And I got a pretty good feeling you're mad at me. I hate that, just so you know.
I hate this. Silent treament with my dad. With my best friend. Chem. exam in the morning. I will fail. No 'maybe' about it.
I hate these days.
I just feel compleatly worthless.
current mood: distressed
|Saturday, January 22nd, 2005|
Being John Malchovitch(sp?). OhmiGosh, absolutlly awesome movie. Really freakin creepy though. Especially when you REALLY think about it. And think "what if someone's controlling what I do?" But then again, if that was the case I wouldn't be thinking it.. the person in control wouldn't let me. Or would they? ::ponders:: (does all that make any sort of sence?)|
So we all know what I did today. Watched the movie w. Trudi, Mark and Cassie, and basically just hung around my house. There was also some I Love The 90s: Part Deux action.
I am so stressed out about school shit it's not even funny. I didn't bring stuff to finish my photo final, so I hope she'll let me turn it in after 4th. My grads are going to suck like a Russian whore. I won't make honors, which will cause an argument between mother and I and I REALLY don't want that. My chem. midterm is going to suck. I don't have a calculator either... and I'm pretty much broke. I owe like 12 gyms too... if I miss honors because of gym she will FREAK. At least I can use Vegas as an excuse. Ah, I miss Tim. Among othe people, but I can't do anything about that, it just needs to be gotten over.
I think I've given up on God. Or would it be he's given up on me? I just don't know what to do. I can't get it... why can't I get it?
Can't write. been three weeks and all I have is about 3 lines done. I'm getting frustrated.
Today was actually really good. I'll get over everything eventually. I'm just so stressed. I just can't wait for this week to be over. Or at least Monday through Thursday.
awwww, the little "stress kitty" for my mood is so cute.
current mood: stressed
|Monday, January 17th, 2005|
hmmmm... today. This whole weekend. The last week in general. Whoa. So I guess because Cassie decides to know ABSOLUTLY everything(not that it's bad, lol) I started getting myself into something again. And I'm not sure how it's going to end...|
Watched 'Garden State' with Deannnna yesterday. SO amazing. Funny as hell(but just how funny is hell?) I was about to like, cry at the end. I loved it. Natalie Portman (sp?) was so good in it.
I had to go to the tooth doctor(well, no one else calls it that!) today. Bah. I was there for about 30213784 hours because my mom had to get some work done on her teeth. So I had a big Cradle of Filth/Reliant K party. (Trudi pointed out just how funny that combonation of bands is)
Went to Cassie's and saw everyone today. I lost my purse so many time... i can be so dumb... Watched 'Hero'. Was kinda dumb, but then I started getting into it. I wanna finish it.
o0o0o0o shit...global test I barely studied for. My grades are going to suck this quarter. I have to do gym make-ups, and finish that Gosh-damn photo project. FUCK. Eh, okay. Not gunna stress over it. Maybe I'll just sleep.
Trudi, remember... DON'T DANCE! whatever you do...
current mood: good
|Sunday, January 16th, 2005|
11:39 pm - we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
Frustraion. That really is the feeling I'm best at. I feel it because... I feel it for twenty-five different reasons as of now. |
Empty... not so much, but still.
Sadness, none. It's honstly just fucking emo.
It's gone, and I want it back. If I start one, I can't finish it. I have little bits and pieces, little parts here and there started but nothing more than two or three lines. Everything is blending together a once, and I can't seem to separate my thoughts from one to another so it just comes out all jumbled. What happens if I lose it compleatly? I mean, I was reading things from other people, and to be honest I just sound naive, and immature. I don't have a good flow for words. I'm worried now though. Because if I lose this... I'm done.
current mood: drained
|Wednesday, January 12th, 2005|
Hung out avec lex today... 'twas a good time, because i miss her. Oh, and hung with shawn and britney.|
Had probably one of THE longest conversations I have ever had with Chris today. The weirdest part was there were no akward silences.
Oh, and every time I finally let go, something happens and I end up holding back on.
I getting kind of sick of just... me I think. I reflect back on things I wish I was a nicer person, and I wish I was just a GOOD person in general. As shallow as it sounds, I wish I could be happy with the way I look too. I know it's dumb, but I mean... let's face it: Guys go after the pretty girl first.
I wish I could get this faith thing figured out.
In the words of deanna's grandma though: "But it's okay. I'll be okay. I'm going to be fine." lol. I love your grandma ralph.
((trudi, call me tomorrow))
current mood: sleepy
|Sunday, January 9th, 2005|
9:59 pm - duffman can't breath... OH NO!
This weekend... I'm just going to quickly sum it up..|
*BUBBLE TEA <3. Oh no, I am what I most hate... a Bubble Tea addict.
*99 cent city, and scary old-school Japanese virtual pets. Oh, and badly written directions.
*Wendy's where we saw the priest from Everwood, in his priest attire.
*My house- Death to Smoochie. I LOVE that fucking movie. We're going on safarie mother fucker... MUPPET FROM HELL... 'your step-dad's not mean, he's just adjusting'. Wanted to watch Donnie Darko, but Karl lost rock, paper scissors. But it's okay... Oh, and tryed to figure out the rapper Karl was talking about. Won't even go there, he was gunna kill us all. Then went driving! eeeee... i love driving around in karl's car. it makes me so happy. Trudi says it's better cuz of my i-POD.(which is better cuz the radio sucks)
*saw 'The Producers' today... Gay guys, and Nazis. What more can I say?
Lex, I'm praying for you. I'll miss having you here this week. <3
current mood: chipper, and cold. brrr.
|Thursday, January 6th, 2005|
9:46 pm - so tired. haven't slept pretty much at all this week. dammit.
Today was the usual, the mall, best buy blah blah blah... but I don't know. It just sucked. I'm so worried about my dad, I swear sometimes I look at him and I just want to break down. I'm sure this sounds dumb but it really does break my heart that he's so hurt... I resent Ann for all this shit she's putting him through, I can't even stand it. Maybe it's good she's... 'distant' from us. Sometimes I don't know if it would be more helpful, or hurtful for him to see her. It's not like he didn't try, she's been invited here over summers, and christmas'... but she never comes. And all the shit he went through before has just killed him.|
School is... dumb. I'm going to fail chem, I swear. I'm just dumb I think. Because even if I TRY, I still get a sucky grade on the test. UGH. Oh, and one of my best friends won't even talk to me, I'm pretty sure they like, hate me right now which sucks. Or at least don't like me very much right now.
I'm so confused about some stuff. One minute it's good, and the next it's terrible. And when it's terrible, I try and let go, but as soon as I ACTUALLY do, it's good again.
old habits die hard, eh?
current mood: drained
|Sunday, January 2nd, 2005|
yeah i laugh and i jump|
and i sing and i laugh
and i dance and i laugh
and i laugh and i laugh
and i can't seem to think
where this is? who i am?
why i'm keeping this going
keep pouring it out, keep pouring it down
and the way the rain comes down hard
that's the way i feel inside
hm. i love that song. i'll give someone a dollar if they know who it's by.
(Deanna, you don't count though, because you're most likely to know, lol)
current mood: just thinking...
|Saturday, January 1st, 2005|
11:24 am - everybody's doing it... meh, i'm bored.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY|
3. Handsome Pete
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my sarcasm
2. my writing (sometimes)
3. my cat
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i wish i could write better
2. i wish i was a better person
3. i tend not to know what to say
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
(ya see jewish anywhere??? thats right...)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. losing certain people
2. never finding faith in something
3. my mom
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Carmarie's Dance Studio hoodie
2. black socks with 'L's on them
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. head automatica
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
3. improving my relationship w. certain people
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. someone who likes me as i am
3. i want someone i can talk to.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. i love music
2. i love to write
3. im pretty tall
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
2. physically harm an animal
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. leave my house
2. talk to tim
3. go driving around
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
3. dance (yeah, right)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. get married
2. sky dive
3. look back and be compleatly happy with my life
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. i eat a lot
2. mark said he thinks of me as "one of the guys" (is that bad?)
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK
1. i like shopping
2. i dress all "girly" and whatnot
3. i care a greta deal about how i look. (not that it pays off)
THREE CELEB CRUSHES
1. zachey vengence...
2. keith buckley
3. that's all i can think of... i think i spelled stuff wrong...
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
current mood: restless
|Tuesday, December 28th, 2004|
8:27 pm - running in circles.
If you and I were alone in my room right now, what would we be doing?|
(Now post this in YOUR LJ, and see what people wanna do with you.)
I already know where this is going.
|Saturday, December 25th, 2004|
7:42 pm - where is you're boy tonight i hope he is a gentleman
So I guess I'll say Merry Christmas. And to all the Jews (me NOT being one of them), Happy Chanukah. Yeah, thanks for the dradel Cassie btw.(or however you spell it. See, I can't be Jewish. I can't spell Jew words.) I don't think I want to bore you with the details of my Christmas, so in simple terms I hung out with my cousin who is awesome, I love her. Oh yeah, and Tim called. I was so happy to talk to him. I wish he would have been here though... Chris came home, so it was good to see him. For about 10mins,and then he left for his moms. There was a lot of talk about THEM, actually, and I think it made my dad kind of upset. |
My parents bought me an iPod. And this amazing necklace. Now they're both passed out. (same thing happens every year). So for having to be home the last two days, I feel pretty good. (fucking shit man, i better be able to leave tomorrow) If you guys have the chance... actually, no. Do this thing even if you don't have a chance. I like know you opinions of me n' such.
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Have we ever had sex?
33. Do you miss me?
34. Do you think i miss you?
35. Are you going to put this on your LJ and see what I say about you?
current mood: yay
|Tuesday, December 21st, 2004|
7:08 pm - do it.
Tell me something true. It can be anything, just make sure it's real....
current mood: curious
|Sunday, December 19th, 2004|
So I think I'm giving into the newest trend and getting sick. Hopefully I can try and prevent it.|
Weekend was pretty good overall. Your Last Obsession wasn't bad at all, I actually enjoyed it. (No, I'm not just saying that. Mark, Karl, and Justin all know that if they really sucked I'd have no problem telling them so. But they don't, so yay) Went out with Cassie Mark et Karl yesturday, and I was in a bad mood. Sorry guys... Really. Came home, hung with Deanna. Always a good time. I don't see her enough. HEY! YA HEAR ME? I don't see you enough. Probably my fault, but still. Love ya anyways.
Did a whole lotta nothing today basically, on account of the feeling sick thing. Around 6 I went to the Galleria with Karl, Trudi et Mark. Wasn't very crowded. Karl couldn't open the door to his car because it was frozen, and we were all yelling like fucking crazy people. I wonder what the people who saw us were thinking...?Probably "what fucking crazy people." I'm so tired. But I won't be able to sleep. it's Sunday, and Sunday never allows me to sleep. In the words of our not-so-chinese friend by the canal, "fucker. I'm fucking lost."
:: sigh :: I miss summer like whoa.
Until i write again, I leave you with these wise words... "Did you bump my head on a dictonary?"
p.s. accoring to AOL, it's 5 degrees outside. brrrrrr.
current mood: cold, but otherwise content
|Tuesday, December 14th, 2004|
6:55 pm - sorry guys.... today just sucked.
So my grandma is in the hospital for the third time in two months. I guess she has blood clots in her legs, and the meds. she was taking gave her a type of brush-burn in her stomach which is just making her sicker. I went to see her today with my mom, and at first I didn't want to go. I mean, I know that sounds terrible but I was so scared that she was going to look terrible, and I was going to end up crying. Well, I was 1/2 right. She looked like absolute shit. She's lost so much weight, and she's on a liquid diet because of her diabetes. It's not good. Like, my mom's already talking about my grandpa moving in with us if something happens. I'm scared. I'm trying to keep faith, but it's so hard. I'm trying to pray, but it just doesn't come out. I don't know.|
I got into a fight with my dad... like, he was actually mad at me. Which never, EVER happens. It was something so dumb too. We didn't even talk until he picked me up from dance. So the oh-so-mature silent treatment for four hours. Beautiful, huh?
Then there was a BIG fight with my mom, which actually hasn't happened since LV. She actually fucking hit me again too. I was so pissed. I should have just left. Once again, it was over something so stupid. blah.
Alright, I'm done. Sorry, but since this is my journal I figured I was allowed to rant.
School was okay.... besides the fact my grades suck. AT leats it's only five week, so I'll be able to bring them up. (I hope) I failed a French test, and fucked up in chem. The usual.
I didn't get to see anyone... ::sigh:: But tomorrow, I am def. hanging out. So, yeah.
I need to sleep. And ice. I fucking killed my ankle in dance, so walking shall be an issue tomorrow, lol.
current mood: sad
|Tuesday, December 7th, 2004|
6:33 pm - i'm such a bitch. sorry.
I don't... even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. Because if I complain I'm just being a bitch. Because it could be so much worse. I've just been falling lately, and I feel like there is nothing there to catch me. I'm probably not even falling though. It's like one of those dreams where you feel like you're falling, and when you hit the ground you wake up. I just need to wake up I guess. It just... sucks. |
I don't even want to be home anymore because all my mom does is throw shit around the kitchen and say how my dad "doesn't do a fucking thing around here" and the worst part is that is kind of true. I love my dad, but sometimes he acts like a child. He needs everyone else to take care of him, and honestly I don't mind taking care of him I guess, but my mom does and then she is put in a terrible mood, and when I offer to help her with something she tells me it's too late and is even more pissed off. And she's been so pissed about school lately... which is my fault because I did slack off a little but even with that I almost made high fucking honors so I don't see why she's yelling at me.
I hate when I have dance because it's the one day I can't see anyone, and right now all I want is to leave and see my friends.
I don't know what to do. I can't even right anymore because it's just... gone. Anything I used to do, I can't anymore. I spend an hour staring at my freaking computer, trying to put my emotions out on paper so I don't end up flipping out, but I just can't anymore. Anything I have written in the last two weeks has just been absolutly terrible. And I know that it's my writting, so it doens't matter if it's good or not, but it's the fact that I can't get it right on paper. The words just don't come out right, I don't know what to say... I mean, I had become so dependent on writing becuase it was just so perfect. It made me feel so much better, and when I walk into lab in a terrible mood, I can show Lex whatever I wrote the night before and she made me feel so much better.
I feel like everyone feels that they have to protect me. Like I'm this helpless animal that is always getting attacked because I'm so weak, and I need my friends to defend me. I used to think that was such bull, but I'm pretty sure it's true. I am some dumb, defenseless animal that needs protecting which is probably why I depend so much on my friends. Which was dumb, since I'm just going to lose the ones I love the most anyways... sooner or later they'll just get a little lightbulb over their heads and go "Sheesh, why was I friends with her? I'm such a dumbass!"
And I've been thinking lately. So much. And I've been wanting lately. So much. But that want is just one big set-up for... rejection. Again. So I should probably just be done. Or I 'should do something', but it comes so much eaiser for them because they are just so... beautiful. And I don't just mean on the outside. And I don't just mean one of them.
I'm pathetic, aren't I?
Time to dance.... I really need that.
It's funny how I have everything I want... but I still find stuff to bitch about. I'm so sorry.
current mood: gloomy
|Tuesday, November 30th, 2004|
7:02 pm - please answer...!
If I only had five minutes to live, what would you say to me? Would you hug me, kiss me, or just walk away?
current mood: freezing!
|Saturday, November 27th, 2004|
It figures... it really does.
current mood: Heartbroken
|Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004|
ah, I'm so fucking bored. I just remembered why I wasn't all excited to leave NY. |
Parents and brothers are down at the bar, I'm not allowed to be down there cuz I'm not 21... I'm too tired to shop. It's only 9 here, but it's midnight at home. Damn jetlag.
I bought CDs, found a purse that's amazing but a tad expensive, and the best jeans in the history of the fucking world... also the most expensive jeans in the fucking world.
I called cassie. I'll probably call you guys tomorrow or friday. Tim's gunna take me to a movie tomorrow (so he says) and I might see... HIM. yeah, I know. Don't worry though guys, nothing is gunna happen.
well, IDK what else to do right now... so later.
p.s i cant get fucking aim to work. rawr.
current mood: tired and bored
|Monday, November 22nd, 2004|
10:37 pm - you want ice mutha fucka??
So I am leaving tomorrow... should be swell.(who says that anymore??) I'm going to miss my buddies though. (even though I'm only going to be gone for five days.)|
Today was sweet, kind of. School actually went by kind of fast, I said goodbye to people, got my work, blah blah blah. Went to Mark's after and hung with Cassie, Mark and Chris. FINALLY watched 'Dumb and Dumberer'. hahaha... !!
"I can turn on every faucet(sp?) in my house! Even the hose."
"But we don't drink from the hose, do we?"
BTW that was cute how you guys were picking on Chris for 'saying more to me than when we went out'. I was laughing so hard on the way home. It's true though... I'm suprised he even said 'goodbye.' OKAY! sorry. I'm done. And I'm not bitter.) I came home, packed, and her I am... so sleepy.
I'm going to have my laptop with me, so I'll be online. I have my cell too, so I'll be calling a couple people... I'll update tomorrow or the next day or something and tell all about my exciting adventures my first nights in Las Vegas.
No drinking... No drugs... No sex. I promised you guys, and I'm sticking with it. (lol)
current mood: sleepy, but happy!